Yes! You must get your hands on a copy of Peggy Orenstein's Cinderella Ate My Daughter: Dispatches From the Front Lines of the New Girlie-Girl Culture! I had one of those public radio "driveway moments" they guilt you about during membership drives when I heard this woman on the Diane Rehm Show. She was discussing how inappropriate and materialistic the average American girlhood is these days. It is not innocent at all. In fact, it's really just "play sexiness" and pressure to act older and shallower. Since I have a daughter of my own, I am extremely sensitive about her media exposure, the clothes she wears, and what products we buy for her. Here's a transcript of the interview here:
http://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/2011-12-29/peggy-orenstein-cinderella-ate-my-daughter-rebroadcast/transcript
I haven't read the book yet, but I checked out the reviews on Amazon. One of the complaints was that the book did not offer any real solutions to this problem of this early sexualization of girls. Well, one solution is to go Waldorf! The first thing that came to mind was the aesthetic difference between a Waldorf environment and what Orenstein described. A Waldorf school, home, and child does not resemble the girlie-girl culture she details in her interview. It's a safe haven where childhood is protected. And, this is one of the reasons it appeals to a mom like me. Yes, I know far too well about those glitter-princess girls and I want nothing of them. I did not go out of my way to have a homebirth and breastfeed for 22.5 months just to throw her to the Barbie-wolves! I wanted to set a precedent at the earliest age that we do things in a more natural, wholesome way.
If you browse a natural toy catalog, such as Nova Natural or A Toy Garden, you'll notice that many of the toys are gender-neutral and there isn't that stark blue-pink divide. In fact, they usually aren't divided into "boy" or "girl" categories. Parents will also notice that the dolls are far more innocent and lack physically mature proportions and nightclub attire. These natural stores don't sell play-cosmetics or dolls in high heels. Try it. Go look up the Toys R Us website and then look at A Toy Garden. Can you see the difference?
In our Waldorf school, the dress code has a purpose of maintaining a child's innocence and protecting children from the adult world. For instance, they don't wear shirts with name-brand logos or wording on them, they have to wear tops with a sleeve, and you won't find any popular characters on clothing or backpacks. What a difference this makes in the educational environment! Because of the trend toward "plain clothes" and a regard for general modesty, there is a noticeable difference in the attitude and reverence of the children. To a parent who is struggling with a lost child, why not start by changing the clothes? Gradually switch out the clothing with characters, inappropriate statements, and logo-centered clothing for plain-- but still pretty-- clothes. (And, let me add that I am not anti-pink! I wear the color pink and my daughter owns pink clothes. However, I think Orenstein is referring to the excessive use of it. For instance, I am trying to let other colors into her wardrobe such as blue, purple, green, white, yellow, etc. Our play room looks gender-neutral with all the colors of the rainbow.) Take your daughter to a store that offers more innocent clothing. Maybe the mall isn't the best shopping environment. I intentionally shop for innocent-looking clothing for my daughter. When in doubt, go for a younger looking outfit. When in doubt, err on the side of modesty.
Let me also add that Waldorf education highly discourages media consumption in the early grades. They really don't want your child going home and using the TV as a babysitter. They don't want the play of the children to center around Dora or Sponge Bob. Orenstein made a great point in the interview when she said that Disney does not encourage imagination but rather it limits imagination in childhood. This is the same sentiment held by most Waldorf parents. Therefore, one of the best ways to combat this girlie marketing onslaught is to remove most of the media influences in the home.
From my own personal experience, I plan to enrich my daughter's life with healthy activities. She will not be in dance, gymnastics, cheer, twirling, figure skating, or anything that involves leotards or glitter or a premature focus on her body...she doesn't need to peak at 16. (Why not yoga if your daughter simply must wear spandex?) We are considering martial arts, horseback riding, chess, foreign language, cooking classes, art, scouts, and other activities that aren't centered around immodest attire. And, even more than that, I'd be a fool to surround her with those girls who are immersed in pop-culture. For my little nest, I am making the conscious decision to seek out a better skill-set for my daughter beyond back-flips.
So, here are some "solutions" I came up with in response to one of the reviews of this book. Here's how you can help your daughter rise above aggressive marketing:
1. Don't make shopping a bonding activity. Far too often mothers and daughters do this. If possible, shop online and don't make it a big event. Psychologically, there is nothing healthy about being a "shopaholic" or defining oneself through purchased merchandise. There is nothing "sexy" or "cute" about credit card debt, either.
2. Limit TV time and commercials.
3. Purchase more natural, gender-neutral toys. You might have to go somewhere else besides Wal-Mart or Toys R Us to avoid those glittery tween aisles. Check my store links to the left side of the page.
4. Keep characters off of her backpack, shoes, clothes, lunchbox, jacket, folders, bedding, etc. Try to keep the coloring books and story books free of these popular characters, too.
5. Be cautious and creative when signing your daughter up for extra-curricular activities. Start young. It's cool to be something besides a cheerleader. Check YMCA, local sports, local religious groups, homeschool groups, etc.
6. Set the standard with other moms and daughters. Avoid the pink-princesses in your own birthday parties and outings. Give presents that are void of characters. Suggest playdates that are creative, wholesome, and educational.
7. Monitor your child's peer group. As a parent, you should exert influence on who your child is around. Set your child up for success by surrounding her with positive, healthy young girls that aren't as influenced by media forces. For us, that means continuing the Waldorf school/homeschool combination with our child. She will have lots of interaction with people, but people who have more important things to worry about than the Kardashians.
8. Gradually introduce different colors and styles into your child's wardrobe. This is easier when they're young so start early. Try some yellow, blue, green, white, brown, orange or red. All of these colors complement pink so you can mix and match. Better yet, purchase organic clothing, fair trade clothing, or garments from another culture. It makes the child aware of the production of the clothing, the environment, and human rights issues. If "all the kids are wearing" a style you don't approve of, then maybe you ought to take a look at who your daughter's around. Enlist the help of teachers, parent-teacher organizations, and other adults who work with your child.
9. Compliment your daughter and other girls and women on something besides their looks. I still have a hard time with this one and habitually compliment my friends' new bags or cute shoes. This is very much a note to myself and something I want to change with my daughter. Point out something specific about her abilities or good character...focus on that inner beauty.
Wednesday
Our Waldorf Nature Table
This is a photo of our new nature table scene complete with German stacking houses, German rabbits, a fox, a couple of cute gnomes, and a momma duck and her wooden ducklings. A green play silk provides a soft meadow and the blue play silk hung up against the wall creates a blue sky. The "river" is actually a scarf I knitted. The trees were made by covering paper towel rolls with felt and topping them with green paper balls. A nature table is a classic Waldorf staple. This is our interpretation of it.
I'm ready for another one!
My daughter is one of the few only-children left in our circle of friends. All of my mommy pals now have their final two or three kids, most of them spaced close together. Personally, I've always been a fan of the four-year gap in spacing children. There's no way I could manage two children in cloth diapers at the same time or attempt tandem breastfeeding. And, yes, I know you can wear two babies in a sling at once. However, I want to do my best with each child. I want to take my time with them and savor these mothering years. Having babies is not something I simply want to "get over with" as I've heard so often. I want to enjoy being pregnant, I want to have an empowering birth, and I want my first daughter old enough to help out a bit.
Not to mention, I can remember when my sister was born and I was four-years-old. I was old enough to remember her as a newborn and I want my daughter to be old enough to have memories of natural birth and childrearing. God willing, this will provide a positive influence in her life and natural parenting will be her "norm". One of the best gifts I can give her is a picture of healthy, confident, natural womanhood. She won't remember her own infancy, but she'll remember that of her younger siblings. So, with that spacing in mind, I've decided to try for a second baby. This decision came several months early when events just lined up perfectly...eerily so. All of a sudden my IUD was out and I was having a consultation with a midwife. I'm going with it since I know that a bigger power has my life in His Hands. I have a feeling there is a soul that wants to come into existence on this earth.
I kept waiting for that deep desire to have another child to return. And, boy, did I have that overwhelming drive to have my first child! What an amazing force put out into the universe when a woman wants to have a baby...nothing will stop it and it will eventually happen some how, some way. I could sense this from my husband, too, who seemed ready to have a large family the very first day we met. So, it's not just women who have ticking biological clocks. Sure enough, he has been an outstanding, committed, involved father. Our little girl is everything to him.
I remember when I was pregnant and we were assembling the new crib and changing table. He took this task so seriously. With hammer and nails in hand, he beamed about how he had fantasized of this day. It was a dream come true for him in that moment doing "daddy things".
He's been wanting another baby for a while now after all of his friends have had more than one child. I know there's a part of him that wants a son. I want that father-son experience for him, too, just as he's had the father-daughter bond. With this next pregnancy, we've decided to wait to find out the gender. We're going natural on this one and we'll know soon enough.
My question to all the mothers reading this is when did you decide to have another baby? Was it planned? What influenced your opinion on child spacing?
Not to mention, I can remember when my sister was born and I was four-years-old. I was old enough to remember her as a newborn and I want my daughter to be old enough to have memories of natural birth and childrearing. God willing, this will provide a positive influence in her life and natural parenting will be her "norm". One of the best gifts I can give her is a picture of healthy, confident, natural womanhood. She won't remember her own infancy, but she'll remember that of her younger siblings. So, with that spacing in mind, I've decided to try for a second baby. This decision came several months early when events just lined up perfectly...eerily so. All of a sudden my IUD was out and I was having a consultation with a midwife. I'm going with it since I know that a bigger power has my life in His Hands. I have a feeling there is a soul that wants to come into existence on this earth.
I kept waiting for that deep desire to have another child to return. And, boy, did I have that overwhelming drive to have my first child! What an amazing force put out into the universe when a woman wants to have a baby...nothing will stop it and it will eventually happen some how, some way. I could sense this from my husband, too, who seemed ready to have a large family the very first day we met. So, it's not just women who have ticking biological clocks. Sure enough, he has been an outstanding, committed, involved father. Our little girl is everything to him.
I remember when I was pregnant and we were assembling the new crib and changing table. He took this task so seriously. With hammer and nails in hand, he beamed about how he had fantasized of this day. It was a dream come true for him in that moment doing "daddy things".
He's been wanting another baby for a while now after all of his friends have had more than one child. I know there's a part of him that wants a son. I want that father-son experience for him, too, just as he's had the father-daughter bond. With this next pregnancy, we've decided to wait to find out the gender. We're going natural on this one and we'll know soon enough.
My question to all the mothers reading this is when did you decide to have another baby? Was it planned? What influenced your opinion on child spacing?
Thursday
You don't want your children to be "peer oriented". Stay attached!
My current read is one that I'll be sharing and recommending for years to come. Dr. Gabor Mate and Dr. Gordon Neufeld's Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need To Matter More Than Peers discusses the detrimental phenomenon dubbed "peer orientation". This is when children form attachments to their peers instead of attaching to their parents. Because peer orientation was never intended by nature, a whole slew of problems result... as does everything we do when we veer far away from nature.
I've listened to several inspiring interviews with Dr. Mate on public radio and this book instructs parents on how to reclaim their "lost" children (I think of the movie Thirteen). Likewise, it validates the efforts and instincts of those parents who have, indeed, chosen to keep their children naturally close. If given a choice as a mother, I'll take the attached child. I use this book as a tool in maintaining my attachment to my child. We've completed earlier attachment practices such as birth bonding, babywearing, breast feeding, and now I need ways to stay attached that go beyond the toddler years.
I'm joining a local homeschool association this month and the meeting's theme is a book swap. Though I'm sure they want us to share various homeschool curriculum and lesson books, I'll be bringing this one. It's the most appropriate book I own regarding the benefits of homsechooling, though it is not explicitly stated as such. I strongly believe that maintaining that parent-child attachment is a key factor in homeschool success. Dr. Mate would say homeschooled children maintain their good behavior, social skills, creativity, and innocence because they are not peer-oriented like many children in public schools. That's not to say that public school children are doomed, it's just that homeschooling is one way in particular in which that bond can flourish. They have been able to maintain their natural attachment to their parents. This book is yet another description of what of what I want for my children.
I've listened to several inspiring interviews with Dr. Mate on public radio and this book instructs parents on how to reclaim their "lost" children (I think of the movie Thirteen). Likewise, it validates the efforts and instincts of those parents who have, indeed, chosen to keep their children naturally close. If given a choice as a mother, I'll take the attached child. I use this book as a tool in maintaining my attachment to my child. We've completed earlier attachment practices such as birth bonding, babywearing, breast feeding, and now I need ways to stay attached that go beyond the toddler years.
I'm joining a local homeschool association this month and the meeting's theme is a book swap. Though I'm sure they want us to share various homeschool curriculum and lesson books, I'll be bringing this one. It's the most appropriate book I own regarding the benefits of homsechooling, though it is not explicitly stated as such. I strongly believe that maintaining that parent-child attachment is a key factor in homeschool success. Dr. Mate would say homeschooled children maintain their good behavior, social skills, creativity, and innocence because they are not peer-oriented like many children in public schools. That's not to say that public school children are doomed, it's just that homeschooling is one way in particular in which that bond can flourish. They have been able to maintain their natural attachment to their parents. This book is yet another description of what of what I want for my children.
Tuesday
Why kids do better with less: real explanations from "Simplicity Parenting" author
Here's a one-page article to add to your mommy toolbox! Print it out and hang it on the fridge! I have to share this short interview with Simplicty Parenting author Kim John Payne. He is a voice of encouragement to parents trying to steer their kids away from all the "excess" and "stuff" of the holiday season. Or, maybe birthdays or playdates have gotten out of hand. In situations with kids, I agree that less is more and better behavior-- and higher quality play-- always results. Here are some amazing, common-sense statements from The Mother Company's December 8th interview. Click on the link below for the full story. And, if you haven't heard about "simplicity parenting" check out his website at http://www.simplicityparenting.com
What Too Many Toys Can Do
http://www.themotherco.com/2011/12/too-many-toys/
"Fewer toys reduces conflict among siblings. With feedback through our blog and countless workshops, we’ve noticed kids get along better when there is less. It’s not a huge mystery. Fewer toys invokes scarcity. Scarcity fosters more cooperation. It activates the limbic system in the brain which encourages cooperation. With fewer toys, a toy is rare and is precious. Limiting toys allows for increased depth of play that allows children to process their day. I see it as a cup where they carry all of their experiences from the day. it allows them to empty their cup for the day and be ready for the next."
"In this holiday season as parents are looking for toys for their children, they should ask, “Is this a toy that invokes the creative facilities?” Neutral toys tend to be best. The more a child can impart themselves in the toy, the better the toy. The child can have an industry and purpose. All people love this, not just children. I have built something. I have done something, that builds their self-esteem enormously. I am also a fan of real tools for children, small enough for children to use. Real toys. Not cheap plastic ones. Children learn from imitation. They learn by imitating work. Children who help with the work of chores, if they stand along side us with their own tools, their own gardening tools, their own wash up tools, they can mimic and build their sense of self-esteem by accomplishing a task and being helpful. Granted, it’s probably faster as a parent to do the work by yourself, but we can teach and learn through the gift of work. Many parents have said their best gifts have been small tool boxes with sand paper and hammers. I’m a big fan of those kinds of action gifts as opposed to Xboxes. The difference is action. Children are doing the action rather than the action is foisted on the child."
What Too Many Toys Can Do
http://www.themotherco.com/2011/12/too-many-toys/
"Fewer toys reduces conflict among siblings. With feedback through our blog and countless workshops, we’ve noticed kids get along better when there is less. It’s not a huge mystery. Fewer toys invokes scarcity. Scarcity fosters more cooperation. It activates the limbic system in the brain which encourages cooperation. With fewer toys, a toy is rare and is precious. Limiting toys allows for increased depth of play that allows children to process their day. I see it as a cup where they carry all of their experiences from the day. it allows them to empty their cup for the day and be ready for the next."
"In this holiday season as parents are looking for toys for their children, they should ask, “Is this a toy that invokes the creative facilities?” Neutral toys tend to be best. The more a child can impart themselves in the toy, the better the toy. The child can have an industry and purpose. All people love this, not just children. I have built something. I have done something, that builds their self-esteem enormously. I am also a fan of real tools for children, small enough for children to use. Real toys. Not cheap plastic ones. Children learn from imitation. They learn by imitating work. Children who help with the work of chores, if they stand along side us with their own tools, their own gardening tools, their own wash up tools, they can mimic and build their sense of self-esteem by accomplishing a task and being helpful. Granted, it’s probably faster as a parent to do the work by yourself, but we can teach and learn through the gift of work. Many parents have said their best gifts have been small tool boxes with sand paper and hammers. I’m a big fan of those kinds of action gifts as opposed to Xboxes. The difference is action. Children are doing the action rather than the action is foisted on the child."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)